The Bluffer's Guide to Skiing by David Allsop

Author:David Allsop
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bluffer's Guides
Published: 2012-04-13T04:00:00+00:00

BLOOD WAGONS

This is the cheerful name given to canvas hammocks slung between two wild-eyed stretcher-bearers on skis. Those who have taken this means of downhill transport (usually due to injury) report that nine times out of 10 they would instead prefer to suffer the injury again.

Blood-wagon skiers (one at the front, one at the back, or side by side if the back one is faster) are usually frustrated Olympic downhill skiers. Like their heroes, they aim, point, gather speed and refuse to turn – even for rocks. Their sole objective is to cause maximum discomfort to the crippled passenger. They are remarkably proficient at their job.

INJURIES

The most important thing to remember about ski-oriented injuries is that they should be described with lurid dispassion. An entirely imaginary shard of bone that once pierced your ski trousers can be described in the most gory detail and at length – so long as the description is casually qualified by: ‘I’d just bought the bloody things as well.’

There are certain basic injuries that every skier should claim to have suffered. The ‘twisted knee’ is perhaps the most common. 50% of snow-skiing injuries involve the leg, and half of these involve the knee. To describe your real or imagined injury as a mere ‘twist’ is to waste a glorious opportunity for some shameless bluffing. A ‘partial rupture of the anterior cruciate ligament’ is what should be said instead. Only orthopaedic surgeons know what this means, if anything, so unless your audience is comprised of genuine bone boffins, you should be on safe ground. If pressed for further details, gabble about white fibrous tissues, inflammation, femurs, tibias and how you suffered it by landing heavily on a rock to avoid a small child. ‘Sudden deceleration,’ you will say sadly, ‘it always gets the old cruciate.’

If your injury is minor, resist the temptation to play it up too much. This will not only tempt fate but you are bound to forget to limp at a crucial moment. The best course is to say: ‘I think I got away with it – this time.’ If, on the other hand (heaven forbid), it is major, play it up with the crashing accompaniment of a full symphony orchestra. The right approach is to say: ‘It’ll hurt like hell, but I’m not going to let that mountain defeat me.’ Tears will spring to your audience’s eyes and, with luck, yours as well, followed by widespread admiration for being such a stalwart.

Other popular injuries are in the shoulder region. If you happen to land on the point of your shoulder, you will not need to bluff; the pain – or the memory of it – will be plain for all to see. But if you insist on pressing your luck, choose to have dislocated it in a spectacular crash, occasioned by consideration for the inexperienced. There is a very useful word to remember in this context: ‘Damned thing popped out. I was dragging my knuckles around the mountain like an orangutan until a passing pisteur (see Ski Types) popped it back in.

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